|
|
20 WAYS TO GET RID OF JOXER
Disclaimer: All characters belong to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. Stories are just for fun. No warrior-wannabes were actually harmed in the making of these skits.
1ST WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are walking along on a nice sunny day next to a lake.
Joxer follows along, just like the family dog.
Joxer: "Pant...pant...slobber...slobber...Come on Xena, there must be
something I can do for you...slobber...slobber...pee.."
Gabrielle: "Oh Xena, don't you feel sorry for him? He's so pathetic."
(she starts to reach in her bag but Xena stops her)
Xena: "Don't you dare feed him! You'll just encourage him to stay!"
Gabrielle: "But he looks so sad...can't we keep him?"
Xena: (putting her hand on Gabby's shoulder in a meaningful way) "You
know we can't keep him...besides, you know he interrupts our time
together..." (she squeezes Gabby's shoulder)
Gabrielle: (looking at Xena's hand on her shoulder) "Careful...the
censor may be watching."
Xena: (in a loud voice) "You're my FRIEND Gabrielle.(they both crouch in
a fighting stance...nothing happens) "It's not as if you are my
LOVER!" (they both look around, ready to fight)
Gabrielle: (sighs) "Looks like the censor has taken his lunch break."
Xena: "Yeah."(she grabs the chakram off her hip and flings it full tilt
toward the lake) "Here Joxer...here boy...fetch the round killing
thing...here you go boy!"
Joxer: "Woof...woof! Pant...slobber...Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!!!(he runs
after the chakram, his arms in the air)
Xena: (laughing) "And don't come back until you catch it!"
Gabrielle: "But Xena, the chackrum will come back to you, won't it?"
Xena: "Oh sure. But how far out in the lake do you think he'll get
before he realizes that?"
Gabrielle: "Ohhh!"(laughter) "This is one of the 20 ways to get rid of
Joxer so we can be alone ploys..."
Xena: "Well, you know that subtext we're supposed to have to deal with
but never really show it?"
Gabrielle: "You mean the lll...lll..I mean bi...bi..."
Xena:(puts her hand over Gabby's mouth) "Shhh! The censor might hear
you..." (giggling, they run off into the bushes as we hear a muffled
gurgle in the direction of the lake.
--
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2ND WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Joxer: (scampering along behind Xena and Gabrielle just like a...puppy)
"Xeeennna....oh Xeeeennna...pant...pant..."
Gabrielle: (looking back at the pathetic thing behind her) "Shouldn't we
feed him or something? He looks a bit peaked..."
Xena: "Gabrielle, I told you about that before...you'll just encourage
him."
Gabrielle: "But he's been following us ever since Sisyphus's castle..."
Joxer: Xeeennna...isn't there something I could do for you? Anything at
all???" (fawning all over himself)
Xena: "Weeelll..."
Joxer: "Oh come one!!! There must be something I could do to prove my
manliness to you, my Joxerness...just name it!"
Xena: "Well, actually, you could carry this for me..." (she reaches for
a large bag tied to Argo's saddle)
Gabrielle: "But Xena, isn't that the bag with the Mmmm...?"
Xena: (removing her hand from Gabby's mouth) "Yes...but Joxer WANTS to
carry it...don't you Joxer?"
Joxer: "Yep, yep, yep."
Gabrielle: "But Xena..."
Xena: (puts her lips to Gabby's ear and whispers) "If I do, we can be
alone..." (gives Gabby 'the look') "You know...subtext..."
Gabrielle: (breathless) Ohhh...OK...Here idiot...I mean Joxer..." (she
takes the bag from Xena and gives it to Joxer) "And make *sure* you
don't open it..."
At this point both Xena and Gabrielle both turn quickly away.
Joxer: "Don't open it...why not???" (he opens the bag and pulls out a
woman's head that has snakes for hair)
Some minutes later when the head has been re-bagged.
Xena: "Actually, I like him better this way."
Gabrielle: "Yeah. Maybe we could take him into Thebes and sell him as a
lawn jockey."
Snickering, Xena takes Gabrielle's arm, and they run off into the
bushes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3RD WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Way #3 takes place after Xena and Gabrielle have saved Joxer's butt once
again. This time, he has been rescued from two men who wanted to use him
as a party favor. He is passed out drunk and is draped over Argo's
saddle. They are walking on the road out of Thebes.
Gabrielle: "I can't help it, Xena...I feel sorry for him...he's such an
idiot."
Xena: "Yeah."
Joxer: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...snort....slobber."
Suddenly, a large, white monster with razor-sharp fangs jumps out of the
grass and rushes them...
Xena: "Quick Gabrielle, get behind me!"
Gabrielle: "Gladly!"
She rushes to get behind Xena as the huge monster lunges at
them...and...Xena chops the large...white...bunny...into bits. (sorry,
wrong movie!)
Gabrielle: "By the Gods! That was close!" (she looks around as Xena is
wiping her sword on the grass) "Where's Joxer?"
Xena: "Over there..." (she points at the way Argo is now running)
Unfortunately, Argo has taken off full speed towards a gigantic cliff
about 100 yards away.
Gabrielle: "Oh no! Aren't you going to stop her?"
Xena: (unconcerned) "Oh, sure. No problem."
She puts her fingers to her lips and whistles for Argo to stop. Argo,
like the obedient horse she is, stops on a dinar right at the edge of
the cliff and runs back towards Xena. Joxer, however, flips completely
over the horse's head and over the cliff.
Gabrielle: (smiling) "Ooooo, that'll be a rude awakening!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4TH WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are relaxing by a lake. The mid-afternoon meal has
been eaten, and they are both swimming in that after-meal sleepiness.
Gabrielle: "Just smell that fresh air." (stretching and yawning hugely)
Xena: "All I smell is that fresh *pile* that Argo just did."
Gabrielle: "Oh Xena, you need to look on the bright side of life." (she
lies back and looks up at the tree limbs above her head) "Just look at
those squirrels playing up there. They don't have a care in the
world...what *is* that thing they are doing?"
Xena: (cracks open an eye to look, and then laughs) "Gabrielle...think
subtext."
Gabrielle: "But they...but we...oh my!!!" (she gets a very quizzical
look on her face, and then blushes like crazy) "But Xena...we never..."
Xena: (puts her finger to her lips) "Shhh...I just heard something in
those bushes over there."
Gabrielle: "What is it?"
Xena: "I can't be sure...but it sounds like a turkey." (she whips out
her breast dagger and flings it into the bushes. A noise something like
a gobble is heard, and then nothing) "Wait here. I'll go look."
Xena gets up, walks over to the bush and finds Joxer...dead...her knife
to the hilt in his eyeball.
Xena: "Hmmm." (she pulls the knife out and wipes it on Joxer's road-kill
furry shoulder, and walks back over to Gabrielle.)
Gabrielle: "Was it a turkey?"
Xena: "Yeah...a turkey, definitely a turkey." (she sits down next to
Gabby)
Gabrielle: "Should I go get it and dress it for dinner?"
Xena: "Uh, I think we should pass on this one. I think he'd be too tough
and stringy."
Gabrielle: "Ok. So Xena...why don't you show me more about this subtext
thingy..."
Xena: (leaning over and kissing Gab on the lips)"My pleasure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5TH WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are walking along and they come across a large town.
Gabrielle:(pointing toward a large structure in the middle of town)
"What is that building, Xena?"
Xena: "It's a temple to Hera, queen of the gods."
Gabrielle: "Oh. I always thought that her temples would be more ornate
or something. I guess I wasn't expecting such a run-down..." (Xena puts
her hand over Gabby's mouth very quickly)
Xena: "Be careful what you say! Zeus is quick to hear anything bad said
about Hera. Besides, I need to go there to pick up a package."
Gabrielle: "What sort of package?"
Xena:(looks up at the sky) "Looks like we might have rain soon, don't
you think?"
Gabrielle: "Ok,ok, I get it. Just shut up, Gabrielle...just keep your
nose out of things, Gabrielle..."
They come to the temple.
Xena: "You wait out here. I'll be back in a moment."
Gabrielle: "Alright." (mutters to herself) "I don't get no respect...no
respect..."
As Gabrielle is waiting, a loud noise is heard from a nearby tavern.
Voice:(shouted) "Take your fantasies and your enormous ego and get out
of here! And stay out! (the sound of breaking glass and a familiar
voice is heard)
Joxer: "Gabby! My good friend..." (he slaps her on the back, and she
socks him in the teeth) "Hmmm...just as friendly as ever, I see...still
got PMS???"
Gabrielle: "Joxer, you just irritate the living Tartarus out of me!!!"
Joxer: "Just too manly for ya huh?" (he ducks as she swings at him with
her staff) "Ya know, if you'd quit hanging around with Xena, you might
get some guy interested in you." (he ducks another swing of her staff)
"But ya know what everyone's been saying on that Saddlehorn mailing
list..."
Gabrielle:(stops trying to take Joxer's head off and looks at him) "No.
What are they saying?"
Joxer: "That you and Xena are...you know..." (he makes a motion with his
fist that is unmistakable)
Gabrielle: "Joxer...I could kill you for that...are they really saying
that???" (she looks thoughtful for a moment) "Hey, how do you know what
they're saying? That's an all women mailing list!"
Joxer:(looks embarrassed) "Never mind that..."
Xena returns carrying a wineskin.
Gabrielle: "So is this what we made this trip for...a bunch of wine???"
Xena: "Yes." (behind her hand) "I'll show you what it *really* is
later."
Joxer:(snatches the wineskin from Xena, and before she can stop him, he
drinks some of it) "Hmmm. Pretty good. Ya know, I was really thirsty."
(he looks at Gabrielle) "Gee, you're looking pretty today..." (he grabs
Gabby before she has a chance to react, and tries to kiss her. She acts
stunned for a second, then knees him)
Xena:(pulls out her sword and puts the tip under Joxer's chin) "One more
move like that, mister, and I'll have to kill you."
Joxer:(looking at Gabrielle) "But you know she wants me...she's hot with
desire for me...she wants my sword in her service, right now!"
Xena grabs Joxer by the throat and practically strangles him.
Gabrielle: "What's going on?"
A man comes running towards our little group and comes up to Xena.
Man: "Here's your change for the love potion. Sorry I didn't get it to
you sooner, but you left in such a hurry..." (Xena snatches the change
from the man, and he leaves)
Gabrielle: "Love potion??? Why would you need a love potion, Xena?"
Xena: "I'm not allowed to say..."
Joxer takes advantage of the distraction, and leaps for Gabrielle. Xena
sighs, and then stabs him.
Gabrielle: "Xena...you know you don't have to use a love potion on
me...you know I lo..." (Xena quickly puts a hand over Gabby's mouth)
Xena: "Gabrielle...you know we're not allowed to say that word..."
Gabrielle: "But if we're not allowed to say it, then how can I express
my feelings...?"
Xena: "There's always the commercial breaks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6TH WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are at a birthday party for Xena's mother. They are
sitting and watching the festivities. All sorts of creatures are
present...drinking and having fun.
Xena:(more than slightly tipsy) "You know Gabrielle, I used to run and
laugh like that...I used to know what fun was." (she puts a hand on
Gabby's shoulder and breathes into her ear) "You know, you could help me
remember about the fun part..."
Gabrielle: "Xena, you've had too much wine." (she tries to take the
goblet from Xena, but only gets a hurt look)
Xena: "So. You think I can't hold my wine, eh?" (she straightens her
shoulders and pulls on her breastplate to make sure it's still there)
"I'll let you know I've drunk more wine in my lifetime..."
Gabrielle: "That's fine." (she pats Xena on the arm) "I'm sure you
have." (looking around) "Who's that over there with the kids?"
Xena:(shaking her head and trying to focus) "Oh gods, it's that Joxer
character. Every time we get a chance to be alone, here he comes with
that stupid hat." (she looks around for the bottle) "Gabrielle, get me
some more wine...please?"
Gabrielle:(sighs) "OK." (she reaches over and tries to reach the bottle
on the next table. Xena looks at Gabby's posterior longingly. She is
just reaching out her hand when...)
Joxer: "Hey guys!" (he sits down next to Xena who scoots over closer to
Gabrielle)
Gabrielle: "I saw you over there playing with the kids."
Joxer: "Yeah. They love me. They think I'm some sort of hero or
something...I can't imagine why."
Xena:(slyly) "I know a great game you can play."
Joxer: "Oh yeah? What?"
Xena: "Here." (she pulls a rag off of the table next to her and ties it
around Joxer's head)
Joxer: "Hey...what's this for?"
Xena: "OK. Now. Just take this dart..." (she pulls this from somewhere
deep in the recesses of her bosom...) "and poke it in the first thing
you can."
Joxer: "What kind of game is this? I've never heard of it."
Xena: "It's called *pin the tail on the pony*. You'll love it. Quick,
everyone is watching..."
Joxer: "If you say so..." (Xena pushes him off toward the nearest pony
backside)
Gabrielle: "Xena, that's not a pony...that's a centaur!!!"
Xena: "You know that, and I know that..."
Just then, a scream and a thump is heard. Joxer has been skewered by an
adult male centaur who didn't like a dart in his backside.
Xena: "Oops."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7TH WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are sitting by the fire at night discussing the past
day's events.
Gabrielle: "So, what do you think will happen to Joxer once he finds out
what's in that powder he bought today?"
Xena:(staring into the fire and barely holding back a grin) "Mmm. Well,
it depends on where he uses it first."
Gabrielle: "I did hear him say to the guy he bought the stuff off of
that he was having an embarrassing sort of itch..."
Xena looks at Gabrielle in surprise for a second, then they break into
hysterics...and fall into each other's arms.
Xena:(she sits up quickly and holds her finger to her lips) "Shhh. I
hear something..."
She gets up and quietly sneaks into the bushes. A muffled squeek soon
follows. Xena pulls Joxer into the firelight by the nose.
Joxer: "Xeeeennnnaaa!!!! I was only..."
Xena: "I know what you were doing...you were hoping to catch Gabrielle
and I..."
Joxer: "I wouldn't..!!!"
Gabrielle: "You wouldn't...what?" (she gets up and comes over to where
Xena is standing next to Joxer)
Joxer: "I wouldn't spy on you. Besides, we all know that the censors
would stop anything that looked like...uh...you know."
Xena: "No Joxer, we don't. Care to show us?"
Joxer:(looking extremely embarrassed) "Oh, you know...kissing and
stuff...subtext."
Gabrielle:(steps over to Xena and plants a big wet one on her lips)
"Like this, you mean?" (Xena looks at Gabrielle in surprise for a
moment, and then smiles)
Xena: "Gabrielle, I don't know what to say..."
Gabrielle: "That's OK, that's my job. Besides, you're just the strong,
silent type." (she looks at Joxer) "So, is that what you meant?"
Joxer:(in shock, but taking it well) "Uh...yeah. But I think it's
supposed to go farther than that..." (he cringes as Xena gives him 'the
look')
Xena: "Just how MUCH farther?"
Gabrielle: "Oh Xena, don't be completely clueless..." (she touches
Xena...a little lower down...and Xena gasps)
Joxer: "Gaaaaaaa!!!!!!" (he collapses in a heap)
Gabrielle: "What happened to him?"
Xena:(kneeling over the prone body) "He died from over-excitement, I
guess." (she stands up and looks at Gabrielle) "Speaking of
which...teach me more about this subtext...I think I like it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8TH WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are riding together on Argo. Suddenly they come upon
a wide and beautiful lake. The sun is at just the right angle to cast
long shadows and the smell of the wildflowers is overpowering. The birds
are singing and the wind is blowing lightly. All in all, a picturesque
scene.
The only strange thing that seems out of place is the strange figure
with a stranger helmet hiding in the bushes about 100 yards away. If we
were closer, we could hear it mumbling about catching certain persons in
subtextual situations. But we aren't, so on with the story.
Xena: "How about if we stop here and make camp?"
Gabrielle: "Sounds good to me." (she slides off Argos' rump) "Just smell
those flowers!" (she walks over to a patch of Bougainvillea and puts her
nose in the flowers)
Xena is watching Gabrielle with a slight smile on her face. She
dismounts Argo, and pulls their supplies down off of the saddle.
Gabrielle sighs and walks back over to Xena and helps her set up camp.
Xena:(rummaging through the supplies) "You know, I'd really like
something different for supper tonight...how would you like another
fishing lesson?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, sure."
Xena strips down in what seems like seconds and starts to walk towards
the water. Gabrielle stares in wonderment... but then embarrassed, she
looks at the ground. When Xena stops to see if Gabrielle is coming, she
sees her sitting and looking at the ground.
Xena: "What's the matter?" (she walks back to her friend and squats down
to look her in the face)
Gabrielle: "It's nothing, really...I..I just felt a little light-headed
there for a moment."
Xena: "You probably need to eat. The sooner we catch some fish, the
sooner we can eat. Come on." (she walks away towards the lake. Gabrielle
looks at the spectacle before her, and never taking her eyes off of
Xena, quickly undresses and hurries after her. They both get to the
water at the same time and jump in. (cold water does wonders!) After
much work and almost a half an hour of fishing, they have plenty for
supper.
Gabrielle suddenly realizes she hasn't seen Xena for a little while. A
bit nervous all of the sudden, she calls out Xena's name...but suddenly
Xena surfaces right next to Gabby and grabs her in a bear hug.
Gabrielle: "By the Gods!...Xena...you scared me!"
Xena: "Sorry about that." (a smirk plays on her lips, but she has not
let Gabrielle go) "I'm getting a bit cold, aren't you?" (she shifts
around until they are face to face and smiles down at her friend)
Gabrielle: "Well...actually...no."
Xena: "I really enjoy our little fishing excursions...don't you?" (she
adjusts her grip just enough so that one of her hands happens to slide
unobtrusively down Gabby's lower back to her backside in one long fluid
motion)
Gabrielle:(breathing heavy) "Immensely."
Xena: "Are you sure you're OK? You look a bit flushed."
Ed. Note: At this point it should be noticed that a small reed is moving
closer and closer to our heroes. It weaves back and forth as if someone
were walking underneath it and using it as a breathing tube. If we were
*really* close, we could hear the word *subtext* coming out of the tube.
But we aren't, so on with the story.
Gabrielle: "I'm fine...Xena, there's something I've always wanted to
tell you, but there's never been a good time..."
Xena: "Hold on a minute." (she reaches down and picks up a small rock
from the lake bottom. She takes careful aim...and flings it right into
the end of the floating reed. A large *BLOOP* is heard. Then a sound
like a small whale has grounded itself...then nothing.
Gabrielle: "What in the name of Zeus was that!?!" (she tries to turn
around, but Xena is still holding her in a bear hug.
Xena: "Nothing you need to worry about." (she breathes in Gabrielle's
ear and starts to nibble on her earlobe)
Joxer the Defeated surfaces and floats towards shore, aided by Xena's
quick leg jab. A pack of wild dogs is seen eyeing the floating would be
hero as he floats closer to shore. Xena has an evil smile on her face.
Xena: "Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9TH WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are sitting and eating the mid-day meal next to a
well worn dirt road. The sky is overcast and dark. A storm is brewing on
the horizon, and the faint sound of thunder is heard to the east. Argo
is standing nearby and crunching on some fragrant green grass.
Xena: "I really like this cake thing you made...what do you call it?"
Gabrielle: "Fruitbread. Basically, I just threw everything we had left
in our packs into it and baked it."
Xena: "You know, I don't often tell you how much I appreciate the little
things you do, Gabrielle, but I really do. Remember when I told you that
you were a gift to me? I meant it. I don't know how I got along without
you before." (she stuffs another piece of fruitbread into her mouth and
chews contentedly)
Gabrielle:(turning red) "Thanks. I try not to get in the way *too*
much."
Xena: "You really have been improving with your staff. I don't worry
about you nearly as much as I used to." (she takes another offered piece
of the fruitbread) "I've also noticed that you seem to be developing a
lot more muscle than you used to have."
Gabrielle: "You've noticed? I didn't think you had." (she looks shyly at
her friend)
Xena:(comes over and sits next to Gabrielle) "I notice everything about
you..." (she puts her hand on Gabrielle's arm and feels the muscle) "You
see...this is coming along nicely." (she puts a warm hand on Gabrielle's
stomach and looks at her friend's face) "And even here..." (Gabby's
breathing has jumped a notch and she closes her eyes and turns her head
away from Xena)
Gabrielle: "Don't you think we oughta..."
Xena: "Now Gabrielle, I'm trying to show you just how much I appreciate
you..." (she lays her hand on Gabby's knee, and Gabby turns to look at
her. Xena starts to very slowly slide her hand up the inside of her
friend's thigh...and unreadable smile on her face)
Gabrielle:(suddenly finding it hard to breathe) "How did you know...???"
Xena: "I've always..."
There is a crunching sound in the trees off to the side of the road. A
familiar face appears, followed by an all too familiar voice.
Joxer: "Guys!...Hey Guys!" (he is waving at them frantically, and then
starts towards them)
Xena: "HOW does this guy always manage to show up at the worst possible
moment???" (she pulls herself away from Gabrielle and grabs her
chackrum)
Gabrielle:(stands and grabs Xena's throwing arm) "Xena...no...I know he
really is annoying, but is that reason to kill him?"
Xena: "Can you think of a better reason?" (she hesitates for a moment,
the fire goes out of her eyes when she looks at Gabrielle) "Maybe you're
right...but I'm sure gonna scare him a little." (she flings the weapon
right at Joxer's head...and right at the last second it veers off and
goes into a tree)
Joxer: "Yaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!" (he is lying flat on his face on the ground)
Xena: "Sorry about that...just a habit."
Joxer: "It's OK. Say do you want me to get that for you?"
Xena: "Don't worry about it, I'll get it later."
Joxer: "Oh, it's no problem..." (he climbs the tree and finally reaches
the weapon imbedded in the trunk of the tree. He pulls...and pulls...and
finally jerks it free. He holds the chackrum up for Xena to see...)
"Look Xena...I...got...it!!!" (he waves it in the air. Suddenly, a bolt
of lightening shoots out of the sky and hits the tree. The chackrum
glows a fiery red and falls to the earth. The entire top of the tree has
been destroyed. Xena and Gabrielle walk over to where the chackrum is
lying...still steaming)
Gabrielle:(looking at Xena sideways) "Did you know that was going to
happen?"
Xena:(bending over to touch the chackrum...gingerly picking it up and
putting it in it's place) "How could *I* know that a bolt of lightening
would hit this tree at precisely this moment?" It was just his time,
that's all." (they both jump back as a smoking wing-tip helmet falls to
the ground. Gabrielle picks it up...looks at it...and then shaking her
head she flings it over her shoulder. She walks over to Xena and touches
her arm.
Gabrielle: "Where were we?"
Xena takes a deep breath and...smiles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10TH WAY TO GET RID OF JOXER
Xena and Gabrielle are staying at the castle of King Lias. It is late
evening and they have just been shown their room for the night.
Xena:(walking over to the window and looking at the stars) "You know, we
could have had separate rooms..."
Gabrielle:(unpacking their things on the huge drapery-laden four-poster
bed) "I know, but I've gotten used to sleeping with you next to me. It
would feel weird to be alone." (she smiles to herself) "And besides, you
know you'd miss me."
Xena:(still looking out the window and hiding a smile) "You're right, I
would."
Gabrielle: "You know, I don't think I've ever seen a bed like this one
before. Just look at how the wood is carved in the shape of doves." (she
runs her hand over the gossamer draperies hanging from the bed) "And
just feel this material...it must be real silk!"
Xena:(walking over to where Gabrielle is feeling the draperies. She
reaches out and takes the material from her hand and wraps it gently
around Gabby's shoulders) "You know, you'd look beautiful in this..."
(she gets a distant look on her face) "Beautiful..."
Gabrielle: "Do you really think so?" (she smiles adoringly up into her
friend's face)
Xena: "Of course I think so." (she sits on the bed, and then sighing,
lies back and stretches out) "Why don't you try the bed, it's really
nice...of course it's something we can't afford to get used to..."
Gabrielle: "I know, I know...but it's nice to spluge every once in a
while." (she stretches out next to Xena and turns to look at her) "You
can't be too comfortable in that breastplate..."
Xena: "Gabrielle, are you trying to get me out of my clothes or
something?" (she smiles evilly at her friend)
Gabrielle:(turning red) "Wha...well...why no...of course not!!!"
Xena:(laughing and starting to unbuckle her breastplate) "I was only
kidding..." (she tries to reach under her arm for a buckle) "Could you
help me with this?"
Gabrielle: "Why sure!" (she reaches over and gingerly unbuckles the
breastplate and takes it off) "Is there anything else you would like me
to...I mean, is there anything you'd like to do?"
Xena:(sighing and lying back on the bed once again. She closes her eyes)
"Whatever *you* want to do...I'm just enjoying this."
Gabrielle: "Me too." (Gabby reaches out her hand toward Xena as if to
touch her face and then pulls back. She shakes her head and leans over
and gently kisses Xena on the lips)
Xena:(sitting up and looking at Gabby, who has her hands to her face and
a look of terror on her face) "What's the matter?"
Gabrielle: "Oh Gods Xena...don't kill me!!!" (Xena reaches out and takes
Gabby's arm and pulls her hands away from her face)
Xena: "For what?"
Gabrielle: "For doing what I just did...I'm sorry...I just couldn't help
myself...seeing you lying there like that. You looked so beautiful."
Xena: "It's all right, I understand." (she kisses Gabby's
fingers...upper arm...and shoulder...and then looks in her eyes)
Gabrielle: "You understand??? But how did you know??? I mean...I thought
I kept it so well hidden. I mean...I've always wanted to..."
Xena:(nuzzling the back of Gabby's neck) "Gabrielle..."
Gabrielle: "What?!?"
Xena: "Shut up."
Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Xena jumps up in full battle
readiness, sword out in front of her.
Gabrielle: "Who is it?"
Joxer: "Tis I...Joxer."
Xena:(to Gabby) "Let's just pretend we're not here...maybe he'll go
away."
Gabrielle:(to Xena) "He already knows *I'm* here." (she walks over to
the door and opens it with Xena right behind her)
Joxer:(wearing a long purple robe and a hat with bells on it) "Welcome,
my friends!"
Xena:(disgust written all over her face) "*What* are you supposed to
be?"
Joxer: "I am official food taster and part-time court jester."
Xena: "How appropriate."
Joxer: "Thanks!" I'm here to invite you to dinner. King Laius says that
his guests deserve the best, and everything is ready."
Gabrielle: "Why thanks. Tell the king we'll be there momentarily." (she
slams the door in his face, and turns to Xena) "I guess we'd better go."
Xena: "Yeah. But we always have later tonight." (she looks at Gabby from
under long eyelashes)
Gabrielle:(turning red again) "Uh...let's go."
They go to the main dining hall. Every food they have ever seen has been
laid out in on a huge table. It is truly a supper fit for a king. They
fill their plates and sit down.
Gabrielle: "So Joxer, how long have you been doing this?"
Joxer: "Ever since I met Meg. I thought since she was working here, I
should too. We've spent every chance we get to be alone together..."
Xena: "I'm sure you have." (she looks around at the food, and notices
some meat that looks funny. She picks up a bit of it and sniffs it. It
has definitely been tampered with)
Joxer picks up a bit of the meat and stuffs it in his mouth. Xena looks
at him, ponders a bit, and then shrugs.
Joxer: "Aaaaccchhh...cough, cough.....gaaaaaassssssspppppp!!!! (he holds
his throat)
Gabrielle: "Is there something wrong, Joxer???"
Joxer: "GGAAaaaAAAaaa....." (he falls over face first into the pudding)
Gabrielle:(looking at Xena) "Was it something I said?"
Xena: "He just ate some poisoned meat." (she picks up his hat with the
bells on it and drops it over his face) "Looks like *someone* around
here was getting tired of him...no surprise there."
Gabrielle: "What should we do?"
Xena: "How about we go back to our room and continue with what we were
doing?"
Gabrielle: "Sounds good to me!"
